


Not the Pillow Talk I Was Aiming For

by JohnImNotGayWatson



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Crack, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, How Do I Tag, I hope this is funny, M/M, Oops, Sleeptalking, This Is STUPID, i tried okay, lots of italics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 12:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12653949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnImNotGayWatson/pseuds/JohnImNotGayWatson
Summary: The Ice Gods hated him. It’s obvious that they could think of no better way to spite him than to make Viktor suffer through Yuuri’s either horrifying or hilarious nightly conversations.Or, that one where Viktor suffers from Yuuri's sleep talking.





	Not the Pillow Talk I Was Aiming For

**Author's Note:**

> While this is technically not my first fic, this is the only one that I have treated seriously despite the whole thing being crack. XD Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy! I don't own the characters featured in this fic.

 

Viktor needed to invest in some earplugs.

 

He wishes he could say that it was because Yuuri snored, but... he didn’t. Yuuri, Viktor had come to find out on the first night they had slept in the same room, was a sleeptalker.

 

At first, Viktor didn’t think he’d have much of an issue with this because it was actually quite adorable. Yuuri would mumble sweet nothings with his nose scrunched up as he snuggled into Viktor’s side, sighing in contentment. Viktor would find himself cooing and petting the Japanese man’s hair until he finally drifted off to sleep himself.

 

Other times, Viktor would find himself choking back laughter after Yuuri had said something particularly funny or odd. On good nights, he’d even manage to record the sleep talking and immediately uploading it to all of his social media accounts, much to Yuuri’s embarrassment the next morning. All in all, Viktor figured he had a pretty good setup.

 

That was until Yuuri proved he could be exceptionally terrifying.

 

~~~

 

Viktor felt something tapping his face. In his sleep addled state, he could think of nothing more than swatting at the source of the disruption of his beauty sleep. Raising his hand, he clumsily pushed away what he saw to be a hand until it clamped around his wrist. Startled, he was jerked upright to find himself nose to nose with a somber Yuuri.

 

“Yuuri, what-”

 

“Do you think horses know that they’re not as great as unicorns?” Yuuri breathed, voice filled with quiet dread, as if he had spent hours deliberating over this and finally chose to voice his internal struggle. The longer Viktor sat in stunned silence the more he could see heartbreak cracking over the younger man’s face.

 

"Unicorns aren’t rea-” Viktor began slowly, still trying to gather his thoughts, when he was abruptly cut off when Yuuri clapped a hand over the Russian man’s mouth.

 

“You’re the reason we can’t have nice things,” he exclaimed before promptly turning over and burying his face into the pillows all the while mumbling, “Horses deserve _justice_ for not being born with a penis on their forehead, Viktor, shut up.”

 

Viktor must have spent eternity staring at the back of the younger man’s head with what, he was sure, was the most bewildered look on his face.

 

Calmly and quietly, he climbed out of their shared bed and left the room with Makkachin on his heels. They made their way down the stairs and out of the onsen where they found Mari sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette. Makkachin bounded off the porch, content with snapping and yipping at the late night insects.

 

She turned to look at Viktor, raising an eyebrow at the expression he must have been sporting. Without saying anything, she offered the spot on the steps next to her, and without preamble, he flopped down.

 

After a few minutes of companionable silence between them as they watched Makkachin enjoy the fresh, cool night air, Viktor turned to Mari and said, “Do you think horses know that they’re not as great as unicorns?”

 

~~~

 

This continued along the same vein for a while yet.  
  
~~~

 

Viktor felt a light tugging sensation on his scalp. Cracking an eye open, he finds a seemingly asleep Yuuri with one hand in Viktors hair, pulling lightly as he mused the silver strands.

 

“The fairies told me to tell you that they want their hair back.”

 

~~~

 

“You’re the tastiest bowl of katsudon I’ve ever had.” While Yuuri sleepily nuzzles into Viktor’s chest, scrunching up his nose in annoyance when Viktor starts to shake with laughter.

 

Hitting stop on his camera, He immediately posts it on Instagram. Phichit is the first one to like it.

 

~~~

“Do you see him?!”

 

“See who, Yuuri?” Traces of annoyance lace his words from being interrupted in his dozing.  
  
“The man behind you, Vitya. . . he’s got a knife!” Yuuri exclaimed frantically.  
  
Viktor is sure he got whiplash from how fast he whirled around, only to find nothing. Still not taking any chances when it comes to their safety, he got up and quickly checked the rest of the room, even opening the door and peering down both sides of the hallway. Still nothing.

 

Confused and more than a little angry at the fright, he turned around only to find Yuuri fast asleep.  
  
~~~

“Why is Yurio an angry Russian jelly bean?

 

“...”

 

He has a good question there.

 

~~~

 

“Do you think seagulls have feelings?”  
  
“If it makes you happy, then yes.” sighed Viktor.  
  
“But it _doesn’t_ make me happy, Viktor, one almost stole my fries!” came Yuuri’s scandalized reply.

 

~~~

 

“Yes, I _am_ gay, Mr. Satan.”  
  
~~~  
  
“Don’t leave the onsen tomorrow, Vitya, or I’ll be forced to send what remains of your body back to Russia.”  
  
Viktor refused to leave the next day without giving a reason why.  
  
~~~  
  
Viktor felt himself being tugged against Yuuri’s body, as the other man kissed his exposed collarbone. Warmth flooded into his heart and he could feel the beginnings of a heart shaped smile forming… until Yuuri opened his mouth.  
  
“Mm, I want to murder you,” The Japanese man says lovingly as Viktor stiffens in shock, “I want to murder you before the demon does.”  
  
“ _YUURI, WHAT-!”_  
  
~~~  
  
“You’re so cute, I could eat you up,” he mutters with a sweet smile and adoring voice, “In fact, I think I’ll do just that!”  
  
“ _O moy Bog_ !” Viktor croaks  
  
~~~

Viktor wakes up to something poking his arm. Already knowing what’s to come, he sighs in resignation.  
  
“Yes, _moya lyubov?_ ” Viktor rolls over to face his likely still sleeping student. Squinting in the darkness enveloping the room, he can just make out the younger man’s silhouette, along with his definitely closed eyelids.

 

“I promise I won’t leave you when you go completely bald.”  
  
Viktor has had enough. The Ice Gods hated him. It’s obvious that they could think of no better way to spite him than to make Viktor suffer through Yuuri’s either horrifying or hilarious nightly conversations.  
  
====  
Anastasia was bored out of her mind. She is currently in the middle of a night shift in a small convenience store that, despite having next to no customers so late into the night, decided it would be a fantastic idea to be open a whopping 24 hours a day.

 

Trying to avoid falling asleep, she finds herself leaning against the counter, flipping through a magazine she nicked from the wrack next to her, and quietly humming along to the soft music playing on the store’s terrible speakers.

 

Huffing as she finishes up an article about the latest happenings in America, she looks up in surprise as the bell to the entrance makes a tinkling _ding!_

 

Anastasia pushes her magazine to the side as she sees a harried man with silver hair march into the store with the air of someone who’s on a mission that they cannot fail. Briefly, she ponders over calling out her greetings in English, as he was very obviously a foreigner, but at the last minute decides to speak her mother tongue. Just because he didn’t _look_  like he spoke it doesn’t mean that he didn’t, so who was she to judge?  
  
_“Good evening, sir! How may I help...”_ She let herself trail off, as the man was clearly ignoring her. Shrugging to herself, Anastasia goes to put her attention back to the magazine when she hears mumbling in English mixed with a language that she does not recognise.

 

She looks up at the man storming determinedly through the aisles of the store, tuning in to what he is saying.  
  
“He’s trying to kill me… angry jelly bean… ‘m not going _bald!_ ...”  
  
Anastasia doesn’t know what to do _at all,_ so she stands there, watching this man and listening to his angry ranting.  
  
“...Eating me alive…’m _not going bald!_ ... the fairies can’t have my hair, it’s _mine_ … _I’m NOT going bald!...”_  
  
The man must have found what he was looking for, because suddenly his gaze snaps to Anastasia’s, (she did _not voice_  a tiny squeak at this, thank you very much) and begins marching towards her. He steps up to the counter and very nearly slams down his items.  
  
She glances at them, and promptly does a double take, because lying on the counter is a container of salt, a cheaply made wooden cross, and the entire container of earplugs. Literally. He brought the whole container to the counter.

  
Anastasia immediately begins ringing up the items. The sooner she does this, the sooner she can get this crazy man out of the store, she reasons in her head. Awkwardly avoiding the man’s piercing gaze, she finally makes it to the last set of earplugs and quickly squeaks out the total. Silently, he hands her the money, grabs his items, and with a gruff “Keep the change!” promptly marches out the doors.  
  
Anastasia realizes, with a racing heart, that she is not paid enough to deal with this.  
  
====  
  
Minutes later, Viktor finds himself back in his and Yuuri’s bed with earplugs in his ears, salt container in one hand and a wooden cross in the other, smiling happily at the blessed silence as he snuggles down to sleep.  
  
~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed Viktor's suffering, as it was really enjoyable to write, despite it being in the dusty confines of my documents for months... :D Kudos and comments are appreciated, as they water my crops and feed my children. Please give me your feedback. Did you like it? Did you hate it? Constructive criticism? Sorry to all you hardcore grammar folks out there, this probably makes your eyes water... XD
> 
> I haven't come across any other fics like this, but if there is and this looks similar to yours, then that is a coincidence and I am sorry!
> 
> Translations: 
> 
> O moy Bog!: Oh my god!  
> Moya lyubov: My love
> 
> *Edited after catching a few mistakes.*
> 
> **Since so many people are showing interest in more than one installment/chapter of this work, I have decided that I'll be taking requests if any of you would like to see something in the next one! Please leave a comment if you'd like something in particular in the next installment. 
> 
> And if anyone has any prompts or requests for me to write anything new, please leave a comment letting me know what you'd like to see and I'll consider it! ...Okay, I'll stop rambling now! XD**


End file.
